A dream

I was in this weird state of half awake, half asleep on my bed today. I had this weird dream of sorts. It was full of meaning.

I was Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember much. Normally my dreams are vivid. Full of color, rich in smells, lots of little details. This was different. I was Alice. I remember feeling so lost, running around with no particular destination in mind. Confused. Scared. Then there was this voice. A soothing, calming voice. Actually it vaguely reminded me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings. She said to me "Though you feel lost, the road you are on is the intended road. There is a purpose." I felt so content as the musical words floated around my head. Oh yes. I could see the words. The only words spoken throughout the entire dream were that of the woman.


I remember clocks. Old fashioned hand clocks. And the hands were all flailing about in a cacophony of ticks and tocks, dinging and donging ringing throughout the...wherever I was. And that angelic voice called out to me, the words dancing in front of my eyes "Though you feel as if you're always running out of time, though you feel as if you're life is out of control right now....There is a purpose. You are on the right path.


Images floated by of the mad hatter and his motley crew, but...they weren't just characters from a movie that I've seen. They were dear to my heart, and resembled some of my closest friends in ways that I can't describe. The voice whispered the words much like a figurehead, leading the way before me "Though you feel alone often, and though your friends may not always be nearby, they are always thinking of you. Loving you. This is the right path."


Suddenly I was falling. Into the darkest of dark holes. I felt like I was falling upwards, but all things indicated that I was, indeed, falling downwards. The images I'd seen through out the dream were zipping past me. There was no noise, there was no fear. I was just floating. Falling. And the voice felt like a cushion around my heart, as she said "You feel lost. Confused. Abandoned. Afraid. Alone. But the road you are on is the right one. You are going to come out stronger, and more sure of yourself, your life and your decisions. Continue on the way you are."


At this point I woke up to my boyfriend telling me that I was mumbling to him about bears and bees.

It was a really exhilarating dream for me, as I have been doubting myself so much as of late. I wanted to share this with anyone who wanted to read. <3

And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so loud...

Last night was weird. Tobi & I were fighting. More like...I was fighting with him. He just rolled his eyes and walked away. I hate the heat. DESPISE the heat. I especially hate being touched in the heat. And he kept trying to cuddle with me, so I had a bitch fest.

I'm really not sure how any of my anger made sense last night. But that's just it. The heat makes me do things in an insane and irrational manner. Things that I would normally do at the drop of a hat (hello? Cuddling! I LOVE cuddling. I only get 1 more month of cuddling. And I went ape-shit cause he kept wanting to cuddle. What the hell is this nonsense?!) I love to be touched. Well. Normally I love being touched. Last night I would have made the heavens rain fire every time I was touched.

See? Insane. Irrational.


So, we're laying in bed, and oh yeah. I've been REALLY itchy the last couple of days. Yes, Bitchy, but I mean truly ITCHY. Like I feel like I've been on Vicodin or some other drug of awesomeness, but I haven't.

So Last night we were laying in bed, Tobi afraid to touch me out of fear of me ripping his head off. Me seething and trying to fall asleep, all the while scratching at my back like a maniac on speed. *Somehow* we started talking about the laundry (I'm glossing over the somehow. It was truly just another horrible story of my insanity gone wild). So we're laying there, and he tells me how he had done the laundry, which I had noticed (and yes I did thank him. I'm not a total psycho), and I had somehow mentioned that I use the clear liquid and the blue liquid. He goes "What clear liquid?" The following conversation ensued:


Me: What exactly do you use when you wash the laundry?
T: The blue stuff.
Me: What do you put the blue stuff in?
T: In the blue ball.
Me: How much do you put in?
T: I fill it up all the way.
Me: [while stifling a groan] Um...You're only supposed to fill it up to the line.
T: What line?
Me: The one that's about 1/4 of the way up.
T: Oh. Oops. Well, the blue thing is empty now.
Me: Awesome. And how much clear liquid do you use?
T: What clear liquid?
Me: The actual soap, to wash the laundry?
T: What's the blue stuff then??
Me: Liquid Fabric Softener. It makes the clothes softer. Fluffier.
T: Oh. Well. um. It got washed in fabric softener and water then.
Me: And that would be why I'm itching.

At this point it's 2 in the a.m. We're both fully aware of the fact that the kids will most likely be waking up in about 3 hours (The did sleep in until 8:30 today, for the FIRST TIME EVER!!!), we're both deliriously exhausted and just start to laugh.

Deep. Belly. Laugh.
Side splitting, can't stop, going to piss myself....laughing.


And he still loves me.
Even though I am crazy bitch woman in the heat.


Luckily I'm not IN heat, right?

Countdown Complete :)

I've been absent, bad blogger!

But with good reason! See that countdown thingy? It's complete. :) He's been here for a month now. It's been amazing!!! He is amazing. :)

He landed in Seattle last month. We spent 2 nights there, then came home, and went down to my mom's to pick up the kids. I worked like a crazy woman for about 3 weeks, then we took a road trip down to Ca.

We went to The Wedge, Huntington Beach, Malibu, Hollywood, Long Beach, stayed one night on the Queen Mary, went to the Aquarium of the Pacific, and then our last day was spent at Sea World. I got nice and toasty two times (Read: Hella sunburned). We took 2 days to drive home, rolled in about midnight on Sunday...exhausted to my very marrow.

Spent the day with the kids yesterday, ran some errands, and now I'm back to the grind today.

So...you see? Good reason. :)

♫♪ I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face....

and it doesn't feel out of place. ♪♫

The rest of the song doesn't really apply, but those first two lines do.

I have a story to share that will explain it all.

7 years ago today my life was turned upside down. Again.
You see...my angel boy was born. Against all odds, he was born. Small. Weak. Fragile. Fighting for his life. Every breath was pumped into his body by a machine.

He weighed less than 3 pounds. We found out a week later that he had bi-lateral Grade III IVH's. We also found out that he had N.E.C, which required emergency surgery. My little boy barely weighed 2 pounds at that point.

When I was 8 weeks pregnant...my body tried to abort him. There was a lot of blood, but he stayed strong. Then, at 18 weeks pregnant, my water broke. We rushed to the hospital, where they performed a myriad of tests. Their conclusion was to tell us to simply "go home and wait for the baby to die."

It was a fight for his life, but we prayed, and we prayed hard. I know I cried, and begged, and pleaded. I'm pretty sure I even attempted to bargain with God.

7 years later, I look back, and remember. I remember the pain that I felt in my heart. The fear that penetrated my every fiber. The anger that I felt towards people having healthy babies. I know it's ridiculous, but I did. I really felt so much anger.

But not anymore. Now, I have a handsome, intelligent, gifted, hilarious, train obsessed little boy. My heart overflows, much like my cup.

well that was a first. and a last in the making...

Today I had a manager come up to me, asking me if I'd had a conversation with a customer, which I had not. I asked why he thought it was me. The manager (F) explained that the customer described me.

Me: "Oh, did he use my name?"
F: "No. No name."
Me: "How do you know he was talking about me?"
F: "He said it was the tall blonde working the desk. Built [at this point F kinda made a cringe face] heavy set."
Me: "Oh. yep. That's me."


I didn't let on, but I wanted to die. And I'm not sure why, really. It's like, no hiding me. I'm fat. I get it.

But it's also the very first time that I've ever been aware of someone describing me as "heavy set".

It was a slap in the face. It was humiliating. It was embarrassing. It was depressing. It was motivating. It was inspiring. It was a kick in the ass.

Which I apparently needed.

I really don't know how to stop being this way...but I need to. I really do.

Why couldn't getting skinny be nearly as easy as getting fat was?

Job hunt

So I've been on the prowl. I really need another job, as I'm not making near enough money.

But it seems like you need to have a BA to do anything these days. It's like the corporate world is doing an ol' flip of the bird to all of us hard working experienced type of people.

"I'm sorry Ma'am. I know your resume would indicate that, for all intents and purposes, you are the most qualified person, but we're going to go for the snot nosed brat who just pulled out of college riding on mommy and daddy's money over you. Thanks for playing. Bu bye."

Now, I know that a lot of people work hard through college for their degrees. And I know that, when the time comes, I shall be one of them. But in the meantime...I'm busting my ass, trying to make enough money to buy my damn toilet paper.


Shit. One of these days I'm going to need a degree to wipe my ass with said toilet paper.

I'm not important.

I like to think some day I will be.

Important, that is. Some day. Preferably Sunday. But most likely some day.

Then I realized that....I am. Today is that day that I realize how important I am.

I am a mom. A life coach. An supporter to at least 4 (the kids and the boyfriend). I'm a daughter, and a sister. A granddaughter, an aunt.

I am so much more than "just a cashier".

&hearts