when all else fails....

When all else fails, go look at the moon. Look at each pinpoint of light in the night sky.

Those stars didn't happen by chance, and that moon, that majestic moon suspended above your head...aren't there because of an accident.

Everything happens for a reason. Each of us are pieces to a puzzle. This puzzle of life. So many times, we find ourselves caught up in the chaos, frenzied bodies attempting to make our pieces fit somewhere that they weren't designed for.

When life seems to take over, and stress is the main motivation in your life. Stress to make deadlines, and bake goodies, to make the bed, do the laundry, finish those chores. To get from points A through D, and not get speeding tickets.

When you become overtaxed and under rested -- that's when you need to go outside, look at the moon, and remember. It's a puzzle.

Stop trying to make yourself fit in somewhere that you're not intended. Allow the pieces to fit in all around you, and the disquiet will calm itself. The tension, will flee.

...kisses...

something I just read.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

S'true. Ya know?

I don't know.

85 days. Holy crap! We have less time until until he's here than the amount of time he'll be here. Until then, I'm killing time. Finding ways to make the minutes fly. The days. The weeks. The months.

And then I won't have to worry about pixelated skype pictures, shitty voice calls, poor connections. I won't have to go to bed sad, wake up lonely, none of it. He'll be here in 85 days. For 88 wonderful nights of sleeping in his arms, 89 wonderful days of hugs and kisses, 89 days of...not having to miss him.

Life..it's so good. ♥

I'm over today.

And it's only been open for an hour for me.

Yes, the day opens. When my eyes open.

I'm over it.

Can I please go back to bed?

I hate mondays.

game plan.

I want to go into business for myself. I want to go into business with my amazing boyfriend.

He's got MAD talent, and I'd like to think I've got a few skills.

Oh and he's a brainiac to boot. ;)

And so sexy.

And handsome.

And omg an amazing kisser.

Sorry that was a tangent.

Here's what I wanna do. Go into business, restoring old furniture, with a mod/trendy spin, mix it with some wild prints. Think: Black shabby chic meets the african safari. Granted, Idk if I'd even have people out there who would be interested. Maybe I'm just a freak. Well. We all know that answer to that one.

Anyawys, so I decided (I think) that I am going to finish up my cake decorating, get a job at a local bakery, go back to school for my BA in Travel & Tourism. Working at the bakery will get my foot in the door with vendors, and then when all is said and done? I'll start my own business, centered on the more punk/rock genre of weddings. I do live in Portland, after all.

I'll be my own person, with my own business. Doing what I love, for those that are in love. :)

Happy.
Ever.

After.

Crossroads. Passion. Creativity.

I'm at a crossroads. I'm really not happy with where my professional life is. Feelings of frustration invade me. Permeate me, even. Daily. I feel like I'm being silenced, or muted. Like my creativity is being stifled, and I mean...really? I'm a cashier. At a grocery store. Where would I put my creativity? On the belt, rolling along with the lettuce & wine? Or..how about on the back counter, in between the plastic and paper sacks? Because, I sure as hell am not allowed to SHOW my creativity in my hair and/or clothing. Yes, I can accessorize, and I do...but, it's not enough. I have creativity in my blood. I believe that everyone does, truth be told. Not everyone really expresses it in the traditional "creative outlets" that most people would think of when they hear those coined terms.

For instance, I think that computer programmers have an intense amount of creativity. I sure as hell cannot do what they do. It takes a VERY special person to be able to remember all those codes and what not.

But I digress. Letting my creativity run ahead of me.

I feel as if I, personally, have been attacked at work. Regarding my creativity. There is one person, in particular, that I know dislikes me. The feeling is greatly reciprocated, so there is no love lost. While I am well aware that it most likely is just my imagination, I really and truly can't help but wonder.

While I was in Germany I bleached my hair. Which...they would have let slide. Shoot. They have let it slide since. However, I also added hot pink into two separate strips, at the same time. I used to have pink in my hair, often, back before I worked at the store. It never lasted more than 2 days. So, imagine my surprise, when I couldn't get the pink out. After 3 weeks I was informed that if I did not get rid of the pink, I would be put on probation until the situation was remedied. I finally went at it with bleach. It did nothing, but turned parts of the surrounding hair white. That was hot. Nsm. I eventually had to dye them brown. Oh, and that cow that doesn't like me? She's the one that kept complaining about it. Really? Okay, you old hag. You'd really rock the pink hair.

There are people at work with purple in their black hair, and a blonde w/bright red, you get the picture.

Silencing moment #1.

I started wearing a black sweater to work. We, technically, are supposed to wear a white button down shirt underneath ANY solid colored sweater. Nobody does. Nobody. I, honestly, didn't even know that was an actual part of the dress code, until I was approached by a manager about my lack of button down, and asked them to show me the actual handbook w/said dress code. To this day, everyone else can wear a sweater w/out a white button down underneath. But not me.

Silencing moment #2.

Recently wore a red long sleeved v-neck shirt underneath my standard, company issued polo shirt (silencing moment #3 in and of itself, that dammed shirt). Was informed that I was not allowed to wear a red undershirt. It had to be a black, mock turtle neck that was, also, company issues. Fast forward over the next few weeks. I notice so many people wearing non company issued shirts. In all various colors. Just 2 days ago someone else was wearing a pink one, with a red heart on the chest.

Silencing moment #4 (technically lol)

And I don't take notice of these things, so that I can complain and get these other people in trouble. I take notice of these things, because it just seems unfair.

So my crossroads.

I want to do something different.

I want to do something that MAKES a difference.

I'm pretty sure that selling cans of coke, with bags of chips, along side of vegan food is not actually a part of the difference to which I am referring.

I want to be effective in lives.

I want to bring JOY into peoples lives, on a daily basis.

I want to help people create moments that will last a lifetime in their memory banks.

So what to do, what to do?

Do I pursue my dream of being an event coordinator? Go to school and get my BA in Hospitality, Travel & Tourism?

Or Do I finish my cake decorating courses and go with that?

Or, do I go on to cosmetology school?

Or.......do I just stick with the sensible, get my BA in Business Management, and continued to be suffocated?

what does that do for your life?

Heard this today on an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Yes. This is my vice. I love this show.

But at the same time? I'm insanely jealous. I mean, really. These people have had their lives basically ... idk. Handed to them. On a god freaking platter. Silver spoons have been feeding them since they were but babes.

So what does it take? For one to become what the dream of? One who has to actually WORK for success.

Hard work *duh*

Persistence

Positive attitude

and .... luck.

And lately, luck does not seem to be on my side.

But that's okay. I'll just go grab it and wring it's neck until it gives up a little something for me.

*besos*

it's the quiet times in love that count the most.

There's the grand fanfare that accompanies the beginning of every relationship. The constant sighs of contentedness, the furtive glances in each other's direction, the blushes and giggles, the holding of hands, the stolen kisses.

And then ... life kinda takes over. The stolen kisses become more sparse, the hand holding is replaced by kids, and wallets, phones, tv remotes...you know. Life. The furtive glances become exhausted stares, and the sighs of content become sighs of frustration.

yep.

life.

But...life goes on, and love will either grow or die. It's what you do with the love in those quiet times. Do you water it? Or ignore it? Do you nourish it with little, thoughtful things? Like...a little snuggle before getting out of bed? Or changing the toilet paper roll when it's empty? Or...what about making their favorite dinner? Surprising them with a single flower. Making the bed while he's in the shower? Fluffing the other's towel in the dryer while they bathe?

So many little, quiet ways of saying "I love you." Sometimes ... it's those quiet little whispers that make the impact, far deeper of an impact than the resounding crashes.

So go love.

Quietly.
Loudly.

And do it, without expect for return. Do it to show them. Not so they can show you.

xxxkissesxxx

zee count is on.

See that? -------->>

That is a countdown clock. It's approximate. But...by golly, I do believe I have made it into the double digits.

Wow. I really wonder if it's gonna happen. I absolutely cannot wait. Thrilled doesn't even begin to explain how happy I am.

He is amazing.

Together we are unstoppable.

What we have...it's beautiful. :)

I love him.

10/10/10

That day screams and oozes sex. The Roman Numerals are XXX. Sexy? Hell Yes. Seductive? mhhhmmmm. Scandalous? But..of course.

I wonder if I'll be able to partake of scandal that day? Doubtful, as the boyfriend will be back home.

Thank god for Skype.

.:le sigh:.

I know that someday...everything will fall into place.

Someday I'll look back and go "Ohhhhhhhhh....." as I see how it all fits together.

Until then I just sit here, and wonder "Why?"

The Grand Scheme of Things....

Prospective.

It's all about prospective.

I can sit here, whine, weep, mope and complain because "Waaah Poor me. My boyfriend is in Germany and poor pitiful me. I have a physically taxing job, because waaah poor me I just had surgery a few months ago." Boo. Freaking. Hoo.

Here's my yaylist:

• I have an amazing boyfriend. The best in all the world. and i know so because...well. He's around the world. ;)
• I have 3 great kids that I adore with all of my heart.
• I have a great job, keeps me on my toes, and my mind sharp.
• I have health insurance and it covered my surgery.
• I have amazing parents who have supported me and helped me through one of the darkest years of my life.
• I have my own home.
• I have a few friends. Close. Personal Great. Friends. I'd take a small handful of amazing friends over a crap-ton of flaky, fake so-called friends.
• Oh em gee...I'm on a laptop. Using my wifi. Watching my 32" HDTV.

It's a rough life, right?

Perspective. :)

Make it stop. Mayyykkkkeee it stoooopppp!!!

My brain. I've been faking this smart thing all day. It really needs to stop. That said, here I go.

Predestination.

How completely boring, and unimaginative is that? To believe that EVERYTHING is predestined? I don't know. I used to believe in it. And I still believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, but I do not believe that everything is predestined. I think that things change, courses redirect through choices and happenstance.

What is the point of living a life, no matter the length, if we're already predestined to do whatever it is we're supposed to do??

And ... just another thought. Does that mean that rapists, murderers, criminals of every sort are predestined to be that way? Or is it through events and choices that made them such?

And what about the amazingly beautiful handicapable? Was it predestination that decided that they would be frowned upon and ridiculed throughout their lives? How is THAT fair? I just...I don't see how God...ALL loving that He is...would predetermine someone to that kind of life. Truthfully, it hurts me, to the very core, to know that people think that God would do that. Oh they would never admit it, but acceptance and belief in predestination is just that.

And as a side bar, I truly believe that it's us "normal" people who are the ones that have the handicaps.

To simply love, it's a gift. One that many of us do not have.

Okay. Off my box. Just heard someone say something that made me think about this.

♪♫ kisses ♫♪

Fail.

Hm. Apparently I could be a ripe candidate for Failblog, seeing as how I cannot even get past 2 posts. Wow.

Epic.

Anyways...It has been a busy year thus far. Work, kids. Work, Kids. Kids. Work. Exercise. Run around like a chicken missing that vital cranial attachment. So on and so forth.

Ya know. Normal run of the mill stuff.

So I recently came across this makeup artist that I lurve. Her name is Kandee Johnson. Click on her name there, and you'll be transported to a far cooler, way more fun, and drastically more cheerful blog than mine.

But ... Kandee..she's really inspired me. Without knowing her true story, which I"ll most likely never know (I try to avoid that damn rumor mill)...All I know is that she's had a rough go. I've heard it said she has three kids. Maybe she's even said it on a blog or vlog somewhere. But I've yet to see it. Either way, she has inspired me. I actually put my face on almost every single day now. And I do my hair. ohhai...wot? yup. mhm. me. Taking time. For me.

.:legasp:.

I feel happier (most days), far more confidant then I ever have in my life, and I'm inspired. Yes. Inspired. As I said just a few sentences ago, she's had a rough go, and yet...she's living. She's not curled up into a ball, crying, wishing everything bad would just go away.

She's living. Shopping. Laughing. Loving. Having fun. wearing FUN clothes, and doing FUN stuff. I know her life is not all glamorous. I'm not completely delusional. But...she has fun. She's living her dream (so far as I can tell). and she is HAPPY. She seems to be the sweetest, most caring person.

And ... reading her blogs. Watching her videos on Youtube..it's all been so eye opening for me. She hasn't said anything specifically that's created this change. One that has, most likely, been a long time coming. But she has definitely helped push it along. Without even knowing it. yeah, I could leave a comment about it on her blog, or her FB...but she gets so many. I truly doubt she would even see the affect that she has had in my life.

I wish her .... a hundred fold...the help that she has given to me. And so many other women in this world. She really has no clue how much she is doing in this minuscule little planet, in the grand scheme of things.

Kudos, Kandee. Job well done. :)

And you look great doing it.