A Mom's Awwwe Moment

I have great kids.
Phenomenal, really.

The days that I don't see them are dark days for me. Yes, good things can happen. No, I don't walk around like a sad sam, having a dark cloud following me around. But, my heart isn't as happy as it can be. They make me laugh, with the smallest of funny faces. They make me love, with the greatest of loves. They bring joy and meaning in my my life.

My boys made me cards today. For Mother's day, I assume. The sweetest cards. I'll try to take pics tomorrow and upload them.

My oldest's said to me: "I love you mom. And I love cats. You should get a cat, so that we can have one. And we can name him Avatar. Because I love Avatar. And I love you. Love, Billy."

Okay, really? The way that an almost 8 year old's mind works, is SOOOOO sweet. Simple. Sweet. Loving.

My Younger son's card said: "Mom, I like you. And i Love you. And I will always always like and love you. Love, Tobias"

That was the gist of it. Either way, my heart swelled with pride that my boys love me so much.

And cats.
And Avatar.

lol.

My daughter has been snuggling me all night. We were laying on the couch earlier, and she looks up at me, I glanced down adn said "What?" She goes "Nothing. Just looking at you Mom. You have the biggest most beautifulest eyes ever."

And she's currently attempting to read this post, but isn't. She is reading in her very own language.

She is so freaking cute.

Oh and. yeah. 3 weeks. :)

So here's the thing...[just a vent]

Depression is a bastard. A real, vicious, and horrible bastard.

And saying mean, hurtful things to someone can only heap piles of depression onto a person's soul. Even if you don't intend to be a hurtful, hateful, selfish, prideful, SOB....I am still real. With a real heart. Real emotions. My soul is a soft one. So very tender. It bleeds easily. It hurts incredibly.

I am doing the best that I can with what I have been handed. Yes, I realize that I am a burden to many. Fuck. To most.

I wish I could just rage quit life sometimes.

It could always be worse.....

No matter where you are in your life, it could always be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You've got internet. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You've got a computer. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You can see. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You have electricity. -- It could be worse.


It could *always* be worse.

And yet. Here I sit. Having a damn pity party for myself, cause here I sit, alone.

Again.

Watching "Thank God it's Bride Day."
Torturing myself.......aaaagain.

But hey.

It could always be worse.

This can't happen.

I am so not feeling well. Like, feel as if death is standing next to me, sending these horrible icky feelings through my exhausted bones. My throat hurts, I can't stop coughing, my bones hurt. so freaking bad. I have a fever. I have the shits. Stomach cramping.

yes. I am fabulously ill today. And I can't afford to miss work. This just sucks.

So, don't come in.
Just an fyi.

Dreams

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened."

I'm not sure who's being quote above, but it's SO true. Dreams, no matter how small, or seemingly insignificant they may be...are dreams. They help us, when reality is hard. They encourage us, when we want to stop, to keep going. They give us hope, for the future.

Without dreams, our lives would be meaningless. Without purpose. Without hope.

Right now my dream will come true in 34 days. And I am so incredibly happy. My dreams regarding work seem to be coming to fruition. Life seems to be going along at the perfect pace.

Now, the dream of him being here is a short one. 3 months. But then that lends to new dreams. Him moving here. Us starting the rest of our tomorrow's together. Creating dreams together. Making them happen as a team.

Dreams are good.
So good. :)

Easter, work, fundraising..and stuff.

Easter sucked.
Seriously.
I got to spend...about 2 hours with my kids. That was it. I haven't seen them since. I miss them so much it hurts. But they are coming over tomorrow night after work, and will be w/me until Friday. I'm pretty excited!

Work has been kicking my ass. Like. I think that the day before any big holiday sends people into stupid asshole mode. I have often fantasized about telling people no. It's gone a little like this:

Customer who just cut to the front of the line: Sorry I just need to know where something is.
Me: Okay. Get back in line and wait your turn.
Customer: But.but..
Me: get in line.
Customer: Just please, tell me?
me: No.
Customer: But why?
Me: cause your shit does stink, and you don't deserve to be cutting in front of all these people who are WAITING their turn!!!
Customer slinks to the end of the line, tail firmly in place.

End dream sequence. This is how it really goes.

Asshole: Where's the blah blah blah
Me: [just looks at Asshole blankly]
Asshole: Hey! I asked you were the blah blah is.
Me: [vaguely nods head in a non-committal direction] That way.
Asshole: Which way?
Me: [continuing to help current customer] Over by the blah blah's Sir.
Asshole: [walks away without saying a word of thanks]
Me: [tells another person off in her head].



ilovemyjobilovemyjobilovemyjob.

My daughter.

She's my silly nutter.
Imagination runs wild from playing w/her Barbie, to pretending a sack of baby red potatoes were her little babies (Yes. She did this. No joke. she even pretended to change their diapers).

Last night...I have a funny to tell you about last night.
Little me was in bed, snoozing away. I went in to check and make sure the room was warm enough, and she's an über light sleeper.

Only, she's not. Cause she will give the appearance of being awake. Open eyes. Conversing. Awake-like movements. And all.

So she appeared to be awake. Said I scared her, to which I apologized, and told her that I just wanted to make sure she was warm and cozy in her room. I sat on the edge of the bed, and she started petting my face. Like...like a puppy. Or a kitty. Idk. Then she started talking about feeling safe when my arms are in the sky. And that my hair was beautiful pieces of fuzzy somethings. LOL

Then her eyes glazed over, and that was that.

That daughter of mine. :)