Get your happy on.

A Get-Happy Checklist that I read in the recent issue of Glamour magazine. I'm going to list one a day, what I've done to do it, and include one "happy tip" a day.


Easy one: Eat Breakfast.

Seems so simple. Eat Breakfast, it will prevent grumpiness and help you perform. Yet, sometimes, that bowl of oatmeal is SO hard to make. Because coffee is the ever present lifeline to survive and get my blood moving every morning.

Today I made some oatmeal. And, I sat down at the table to eat it. Which is huge. I normally stand in the kitchen.

A cup of coffee, tea, or a soda will not count. You. Must. Eat. Breakfast.



Happy tip for the day:
Food has a huge impact on your mood. Eat regular snacks. Eating every three to four hours (no skipping!) keeps your body satisfied and your blood sugar stable.

Now go put some pink lipstick on, some pink blush, and smile. Rosy cheeks and matching lips makes more people smile back.

-Jes

Stories that inspire...

Or is it "inspiration that brings stories"?

Every single story I've ever read that led to the slightest amount of inspiration was born of inspiration.

Today's inspiration for me stems from two stories:
One is a blog that I read. Almost daily. The story behind that blog is ... eye opening. Life changing? Well. Every situation that we face in our lives is "life changing". But this can really change the why's and how's of life and what you do with yours.


Dan's blog has opened my eyes, in many regards, to following your dream. I've found myself getting caught in the rat race, and while I'm not afforded the possibility to really "jump off the edge" of everything I know, I have found myself wanting MORE out of this life. I don't want to live to work. I want to work to live. I want to be able to spend my time off out there, in this crazy beautiful world. Living my life, enjoying it. I am so tired of wasting it away, WATCHING other's live.


The other story that has led to the post tonight is a fictional story about love. Loving life. Loving yourself. Loving love. James Patterson wrote a book titled Sam's Letters to Jennifer.

You should read it. :) And then go find your love for yourself.
And your love for your life.

I've got this energy flowing through me, a creative energy. I know what I need to do, but I have to figure out HOW to do it.

It'll happen.

Right now, however, I'm gonna go love my bed.

Love and love,
Jes

Here's some news.

Guess what I get for Christmas?

My boyfriend. ♥

He'll be here from Nov. 23 - Feb 17, 2011.

I get Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day with him! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!

An interview.

1. What is something mom always says to you?
Billy: Go to the bathroom!

Tobi: I love you!

Mercy: Let me sleep some more. (can you tell who's the early riser?!)

2. What makes mom happy?
Billy: I don't know.

Tobi: Loving on you (while hugging and squeezing my arm)

Mercy: I know something! Listening to you!!!

3. What makes mom sad?
Billy: Hitting you. (Side note: My kids are not hitters. No clue where this came from)

Tobi: That we don't listen to you and .... thaaaat your heart gets sad when we dont' understand what we mean of our behavior.

Mercy: When we say bad words?


4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Billy: Hi Booger Ball. (Umm...idk)

Tobi: Tickle - no not Tickleing. Making funny face.

Mercy: Tickling me!

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Billy- I don't know. I've never heard of that.

Tobias - Never heard of that.

Mercy - You were like, playing.

6. How old is your mom?
Billy: 30

Tobias: 32, 59, 159 to infinity and beyond, rise and shine baby!

Mercy: Um you are 30.

(haha I've got them fooled!)


7. How tall is your mom?
Billy - I don't know. 40, 760 inches long.

Tobias: Taller than anything in the world, including God!

Mercy: Your'e taller than this (As she holds my wallet up)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Billy: Uhhh kill flies

Tobias: Love you.

Mercy: Um your favorite thing to do is, like, go swimming.

9. What does your mom do when you are not home?
Billy: You whack flies.

Tobias: No. [proceeds to bust into peals of laughter]

Mercy: You cry.

10.If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Billy: Exterminating flies.

Tobias:

Mercy: For us. [asking for clarification: I would become famous because of them]


11. What is your mom really good at?
Billy: basketball and lighting up candles

Tobias: guitar [although I'm not]

Mercy: You're really good at protecting us!

12. What is your mom not good at?
Billy: Burping [which I actually am]

Tobias: Flushing the toilet [I think he's getting ridiculous now]

Mercy: Climbing trees [true story]


13.what does your mom do for a job?
Billy: Working to pay stuff for other people

Tobias: Go to work. Work for money.

Mercy: You pay the people's stuff they buy [she's closest]

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
Mercy: Pizza?

Billy: I...don't know.

Tobias: Pickles, Ham & Cheese. And Salami sandwich.

15.What makes your mom proud of you?
Billy: Laughing.

Tobias: Not being bad.

Mercy: When we say Yes when we have to say yes.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Billy: a dragon, it would just be cool.

Tobias: a train.
Mercy: I think you should be a beautiful woman who loves to take walks. That has a pet dog.

17. what do you and your mom do together?
Billy: Play at the park sometimes. And go swimming.

Tobias: We swim together, we play together, and we eat together.

Mercy: We snuggle. We go shopping. Walks. Watch TV - Usually Say Yes To the Dress.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Billy: We both have freckles.

Tobias: We both love music. I love Metalicca, you love Nickelback, right?

Mercy: We both have really long hair.

19. How are you and your mom different?
Billy: You have bracelets and I don't.

Tobias: We don't have the same hair. I have grey eyes and you have green eyes.

Mercy: We are different ages.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Billy: Because you're nice.

Tobias: Because you're lovely and very nice {complete with a hug & a kiss}

Mercy: Because you're my mom!

21. What does your mom like most about your step-dad?

Billy: Oh I don't know.

Tobias: You love him, you love him, you love him.

Tobi: How he does the tricks in the water, when we swim!


22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go
Billy: The pool. Swimming.

Tobias: Going to the internet. Facebook. [busted]

Mercy: Um, like, A restaurant.

Well folks. That's that.

Now to go clean, eat, and listen to some music. ♪♫

Success is about not quitting.

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried over 2000 experiments before he got it to work. A young reporter asked him how it felt to fail so many times. He said, "I never failed once. I invented the light bulb. It just happened to be a 2000-step process."

Wilma Rudolph was the 20th of 22 children. She was born prematurely and her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old, she contacted double pneumonia and scarlet fever, which left her with a paralysed left leg. At age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on and began to walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk, which doctors said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner. She entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every race she entered, she came in last. Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on running. One day she actually won a race. And then another. From then on she won every race she entered. Eventually this little girl, who was told she would never walk again, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.

In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition for the executives of the Decca recording Company. The executives were not impressed. While turning down this group of musicians, one executive said, "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
The group was called The Beatles.

In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modelling Agency, told modelling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married."
She went on and became Marilyn Monroe.

In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, Fired a singer after one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere....son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck."
He went on to become the most popular singer in America named Elvis Presley.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, it did not ring off the hook with calls from potential backers. After making a demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said, "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one of them?"

In the 1940s, another young inventor named Chester Carlson took his idea to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in the country. They all turned him down. In 1947 - after seven long years of rejections! - he finally got a tiny company in Rochester, New York, the Haloid company, to purchase the rights to his invention - an electrostatic paper-copying process.
Haloid became Xerox Corporation we know today.

The purpose of this blog (Which I did copy and paste the stories from another website here) is to bring hope & encouragement to others who may feel down. Who might feel strapped to life due to various reasons. Bills, Mortgage, Kids, Health, whatever. But the fact is: Dreams do come true. Miracles do happen, just not normally overnight.

If at first you don't succeed, try. Try again.

Well I'll be. Dreams DO change!

Today was the bake sale that I've been planning for a few weeks for a friend. Her 14 year old daughter has Adenocarcinoma of her Colon,it is stage 4 , an adult cancer and the second hardest cancer to treat(statistically) with metastis to her liver and pancreas. All proceeds will go towards helping to pay of the medical bills, which have started pouring in.

I woke up early and made my baked goods, and left them in the oven for 2 minuets too long. DANGIT. They totally burned in two minutes. Actually, the directions said 16 - 21 minutes. I did 18. How is it that stuff like this always happens when I try to bake?

Regardless, I know that our store has many women who are wonderful bakers, and I hope that we are able to bring a decent amount of money to be of SOME form of help.

I love helping people. I love bringing people together to help other's who are in need. It really helps to put things into perspective, when you are helping other's who are facing huge, life altering situations.

I want, more than anything, to help make this world a better place. To bring hope into people's hearts, help to their life, and some form of peace to their souls.

That is my calling in life. Wedding coordinator nothing. Which has ALWAYS been my dream. I've finally realized that this is my calling. To help others!

This life that I have.

The life that I have

Is all that I have

And the life I have

Is Yours.

The Love that I have

Of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep shall I have

A rest I shall have

Yet death will be but a pause.

For the peace of my years

In the long green grass

Will be yours and yours

And Yours.

-Leo Marks

Broken.

Have you ever seen a shattered window, or mirror. A piece of glass? Have you ever noticed how jagged and sharp those edges are?

That's what's sitting in my chest tonight.

I'm curled up into a ball, wearing his Nike shirt, doused in his cologne, hugging a pillow and trying not to cry.

My heart, my better half, my soul mate...he's gone. Never, in my life, has 9,000 5,000 miles made me feel so insignificantly small. So completely helpless. Never have I felt like my life was not my own to control.

Until now.

It's horrible how very alone I feel. Every turn of the head brings his scent to me. It overwhelms me, consumes me.

I'm broken.

A massive storm

I feel like I can almost understand the fear, panic, and sheer terror that one might feel as they prepare for a Category 4 Hurricane. How the New Orleans residents might have felt as they awaited the landfall of Katrina.

There is this ominous feeling as I wake every single day, floating closer and closer to the impending disaster that is his leaving. In a 2 weeks and some odd days, he will have to turn away from me, walk through doors that I will be restricted from, and away from me. He'll board the plane, and leave me in the jet wake. Tears will be streaming down my face, sobs will be choking my throat.

How do I know this? Because we did this, only in reverse, just a year ago. The utter desolation that filled my soul then was suffocating at best, after only 2 weeks together.

Now, we have to face being torn apart after 3 wonderful, amazing, dream-like, heavenly months together.

Part of me is disillusioned. How can the government possibly deem this okay? To force him to leave me? We are meant for one another. Truly. Soul mates. Which is a term that I used to scoff at. But that's what he is. He is my soul mate, my rock. He makes me believe in love, and everything good. His love helps me know that the world is not full of evil.

Another part of me feels hopeless. Long distance relationships are so very expensive. Especially when they are across 2 continents. There are only a few ways for us to communicate, and while I realize that not that long ago people had even fewer means of communication, that does nothing for me now. That was not my time, nor was it in my era. This is the generation that I am a part of, this is what I know. So yes, those from times before had it much harder, but when it's all you know.....that's all you know.

So, right now, I'm sullen. I'm somber. I'm frightened. I'm terrified. I'm panicked. I'm going to be alone. Totally alone. And I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I know I will survive. I will prevail. I will become so much stronger.

But right now? Right now, all I want to do is curl into a ball, and cry. And I want him to hold me.

A dream

I was in this weird state of half awake, half asleep on my bed today. I had this weird dream of sorts. It was full of meaning.

I was Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember much. Normally my dreams are vivid. Full of color, rich in smells, lots of little details. This was different. I was Alice. I remember feeling so lost, running around with no particular destination in mind. Confused. Scared. Then there was this voice. A soothing, calming voice. Actually it vaguely reminded me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings. She said to me "Though you feel lost, the road you are on is the intended road. There is a purpose." I felt so content as the musical words floated around my head. Oh yes. I could see the words. The only words spoken throughout the entire dream were that of the woman.


I remember clocks. Old fashioned hand clocks. And the hands were all flailing about in a cacophony of ticks and tocks, dinging and donging ringing throughout the...wherever I was. And that angelic voice called out to me, the words dancing in front of my eyes "Though you feel as if you're always running out of time, though you feel as if you're life is out of control right now....There is a purpose. You are on the right path.


Images floated by of the mad hatter and his motley crew, but...they weren't just characters from a movie that I've seen. They were dear to my heart, and resembled some of my closest friends in ways that I can't describe. The voice whispered the words much like a figurehead, leading the way before me "Though you feel alone often, and though your friends may not always be nearby, they are always thinking of you. Loving you. This is the right path."


Suddenly I was falling. Into the darkest of dark holes. I felt like I was falling upwards, but all things indicated that I was, indeed, falling downwards. The images I'd seen through out the dream were zipping past me. There was no noise, there was no fear. I was just floating. Falling. And the voice felt like a cushion around my heart, as she said "You feel lost. Confused. Abandoned. Afraid. Alone. But the road you are on is the right one. You are going to come out stronger, and more sure of yourself, your life and your decisions. Continue on the way you are."


At this point I woke up to my boyfriend telling me that I was mumbling to him about bears and bees.

It was a really exhilarating dream for me, as I have been doubting myself so much as of late. I wanted to share this with anyone who wanted to read. <3

And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so loud...

Last night was weird. Tobi & I were fighting. More like...I was fighting with him. He just rolled his eyes and walked away. I hate the heat. DESPISE the heat. I especially hate being touched in the heat. And he kept trying to cuddle with me, so I had a bitch fest.

I'm really not sure how any of my anger made sense last night. But that's just it. The heat makes me do things in an insane and irrational manner. Things that I would normally do at the drop of a hat (hello? Cuddling! I LOVE cuddling. I only get 1 more month of cuddling. And I went ape-shit cause he kept wanting to cuddle. What the hell is this nonsense?!) I love to be touched. Well. Normally I love being touched. Last night I would have made the heavens rain fire every time I was touched.

See? Insane. Irrational.


So, we're laying in bed, and oh yeah. I've been REALLY itchy the last couple of days. Yes, Bitchy, but I mean truly ITCHY. Like I feel like I've been on Vicodin or some other drug of awesomeness, but I haven't.

So Last night we were laying in bed, Tobi afraid to touch me out of fear of me ripping his head off. Me seething and trying to fall asleep, all the while scratching at my back like a maniac on speed. *Somehow* we started talking about the laundry (I'm glossing over the somehow. It was truly just another horrible story of my insanity gone wild). So we're laying there, and he tells me how he had done the laundry, which I had noticed (and yes I did thank him. I'm not a total psycho), and I had somehow mentioned that I use the clear liquid and the blue liquid. He goes "What clear liquid?" The following conversation ensued:


Me: What exactly do you use when you wash the laundry?
T: The blue stuff.
Me: What do you put the blue stuff in?
T: In the blue ball.
Me: How much do you put in?
T: I fill it up all the way.
Me: [while stifling a groan] Um...You're only supposed to fill it up to the line.
T: What line?
Me: The one that's about 1/4 of the way up.
T: Oh. Oops. Well, the blue thing is empty now.
Me: Awesome. And how much clear liquid do you use?
T: What clear liquid?
Me: The actual soap, to wash the laundry?
T: What's the blue stuff then??
Me: Liquid Fabric Softener. It makes the clothes softer. Fluffier.
T: Oh. Well. um. It got washed in fabric softener and water then.
Me: And that would be why I'm itching.

At this point it's 2 in the a.m. We're both fully aware of the fact that the kids will most likely be waking up in about 3 hours (The did sleep in until 8:30 today, for the FIRST TIME EVER!!!), we're both deliriously exhausted and just start to laugh.

Deep. Belly. Laugh.
Side splitting, can't stop, going to piss myself....laughing.


And he still loves me.
Even though I am crazy bitch woman in the heat.


Luckily I'm not IN heat, right?

Countdown Complete :)

I've been absent, bad blogger!

But with good reason! See that countdown thingy? It's complete. :) He's been here for a month now. It's been amazing!!! He is amazing. :)

He landed in Seattle last month. We spent 2 nights there, then came home, and went down to my mom's to pick up the kids. I worked like a crazy woman for about 3 weeks, then we took a road trip down to Ca.

We went to The Wedge, Huntington Beach, Malibu, Hollywood, Long Beach, stayed one night on the Queen Mary, went to the Aquarium of the Pacific, and then our last day was spent at Sea World. I got nice and toasty two times (Read: Hella sunburned). We took 2 days to drive home, rolled in about midnight on Sunday...exhausted to my very marrow.

Spent the day with the kids yesterday, ran some errands, and now I'm back to the grind today.

So...you see? Good reason. :)

♫♪ I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face....

and it doesn't feel out of place. ♪♫

The rest of the song doesn't really apply, but those first two lines do.

I have a story to share that will explain it all.

7 years ago today my life was turned upside down. Again.
You see...my angel boy was born. Against all odds, he was born. Small. Weak. Fragile. Fighting for his life. Every breath was pumped into his body by a machine.

He weighed less than 3 pounds. We found out a week later that he had bi-lateral Grade III IVH's. We also found out that he had N.E.C, which required emergency surgery. My little boy barely weighed 2 pounds at that point.

When I was 8 weeks pregnant...my body tried to abort him. There was a lot of blood, but he stayed strong. Then, at 18 weeks pregnant, my water broke. We rushed to the hospital, where they performed a myriad of tests. Their conclusion was to tell us to simply "go home and wait for the baby to die."

It was a fight for his life, but we prayed, and we prayed hard. I know I cried, and begged, and pleaded. I'm pretty sure I even attempted to bargain with God.

7 years later, I look back, and remember. I remember the pain that I felt in my heart. The fear that penetrated my every fiber. The anger that I felt towards people having healthy babies. I know it's ridiculous, but I did. I really felt so much anger.

But not anymore. Now, I have a handsome, intelligent, gifted, hilarious, train obsessed little boy. My heart overflows, much like my cup.

well that was a first. and a last in the making...

Today I had a manager come up to me, asking me if I'd had a conversation with a customer, which I had not. I asked why he thought it was me. The manager (F) explained that the customer described me.

Me: "Oh, did he use my name?"
F: "No. No name."
Me: "How do you know he was talking about me?"
F: "He said it was the tall blonde working the desk. Built [at this point F kinda made a cringe face] heavy set."
Me: "Oh. yep. That's me."


I didn't let on, but I wanted to die. And I'm not sure why, really. It's like, no hiding me. I'm fat. I get it.

But it's also the very first time that I've ever been aware of someone describing me as "heavy set".

It was a slap in the face. It was humiliating. It was embarrassing. It was depressing. It was motivating. It was inspiring. It was a kick in the ass.

Which I apparently needed.

I really don't know how to stop being this way...but I need to. I really do.

Why couldn't getting skinny be nearly as easy as getting fat was?

Job hunt

So I've been on the prowl. I really need another job, as I'm not making near enough money.

But it seems like you need to have a BA to do anything these days. It's like the corporate world is doing an ol' flip of the bird to all of us hard working experienced type of people.

"I'm sorry Ma'am. I know your resume would indicate that, for all intents and purposes, you are the most qualified person, but we're going to go for the snot nosed brat who just pulled out of college riding on mommy and daddy's money over you. Thanks for playing. Bu bye."

Now, I know that a lot of people work hard through college for their degrees. And I know that, when the time comes, I shall be one of them. But in the meantime...I'm busting my ass, trying to make enough money to buy my damn toilet paper.


Shit. One of these days I'm going to need a degree to wipe my ass with said toilet paper.

I'm not important.

I like to think some day I will be.

Important, that is. Some day. Preferably Sunday. But most likely some day.

Then I realized that....I am. Today is that day that I realize how important I am.

I am a mom. A life coach. An supporter to at least 4 (the kids and the boyfriend). I'm a daughter, and a sister. A granddaughter, an aunt.

I am so much more than "just a cashier".

&hearts

A Mom's Awwwe Moment

I have great kids.
Phenomenal, really.

The days that I don't see them are dark days for me. Yes, good things can happen. No, I don't walk around like a sad sam, having a dark cloud following me around. But, my heart isn't as happy as it can be. They make me laugh, with the smallest of funny faces. They make me love, with the greatest of loves. They bring joy and meaning in my my life.

My boys made me cards today. For Mother's day, I assume. The sweetest cards. I'll try to take pics tomorrow and upload them.

My oldest's said to me: "I love you mom. And I love cats. You should get a cat, so that we can have one. And we can name him Avatar. Because I love Avatar. And I love you. Love, Billy."

Okay, really? The way that an almost 8 year old's mind works, is SOOOOO sweet. Simple. Sweet. Loving.

My Younger son's card said: "Mom, I like you. And i Love you. And I will always always like and love you. Love, Tobias"

That was the gist of it. Either way, my heart swelled with pride that my boys love me so much.

And cats.
And Avatar.

lol.

My daughter has been snuggling me all night. We were laying on the couch earlier, and she looks up at me, I glanced down adn said "What?" She goes "Nothing. Just looking at you Mom. You have the biggest most beautifulest eyes ever."

And she's currently attempting to read this post, but isn't. She is reading in her very own language.

She is so freaking cute.

Oh and. yeah. 3 weeks. :)

So here's the thing...[just a vent]

Depression is a bastard. A real, vicious, and horrible bastard.

And saying mean, hurtful things to someone can only heap piles of depression onto a person's soul. Even if you don't intend to be a hurtful, hateful, selfish, prideful, SOB....I am still real. With a real heart. Real emotions. My soul is a soft one. So very tender. It bleeds easily. It hurts incredibly.

I am doing the best that I can with what I have been handed. Yes, I realize that I am a burden to many. Fuck. To most.

I wish I could just rage quit life sometimes.

It could always be worse.....

No matter where you are in your life, it could always be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You've got internet. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You've got a computer. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You can see. -- It could be worse.

If you're reading this: Guess what? You have electricity. -- It could be worse.


It could *always* be worse.

And yet. Here I sit. Having a damn pity party for myself, cause here I sit, alone.

Again.

Watching "Thank God it's Bride Day."
Torturing myself.......aaaagain.

But hey.

It could always be worse.

This can't happen.

I am so not feeling well. Like, feel as if death is standing next to me, sending these horrible icky feelings through my exhausted bones. My throat hurts, I can't stop coughing, my bones hurt. so freaking bad. I have a fever. I have the shits. Stomach cramping.

yes. I am fabulously ill today. And I can't afford to miss work. This just sucks.

So, don't come in.
Just an fyi.

Dreams

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened."

I'm not sure who's being quote above, but it's SO true. Dreams, no matter how small, or seemingly insignificant they may be...are dreams. They help us, when reality is hard. They encourage us, when we want to stop, to keep going. They give us hope, for the future.

Without dreams, our lives would be meaningless. Without purpose. Without hope.

Right now my dream will come true in 34 days. And I am so incredibly happy. My dreams regarding work seem to be coming to fruition. Life seems to be going along at the perfect pace.

Now, the dream of him being here is a short one. 3 months. But then that lends to new dreams. Him moving here. Us starting the rest of our tomorrow's together. Creating dreams together. Making them happen as a team.

Dreams are good.
So good. :)

Easter, work, fundraising..and stuff.

Easter sucked.
Seriously.
I got to spend...about 2 hours with my kids. That was it. I haven't seen them since. I miss them so much it hurts. But they are coming over tomorrow night after work, and will be w/me until Friday. I'm pretty excited!

Work has been kicking my ass. Like. I think that the day before any big holiday sends people into stupid asshole mode. I have often fantasized about telling people no. It's gone a little like this:

Customer who just cut to the front of the line: Sorry I just need to know where something is.
Me: Okay. Get back in line and wait your turn.
Customer: But.but..
Me: get in line.
Customer: Just please, tell me?
me: No.
Customer: But why?
Me: cause your shit does stink, and you don't deserve to be cutting in front of all these people who are WAITING their turn!!!
Customer slinks to the end of the line, tail firmly in place.

End dream sequence. This is how it really goes.

Asshole: Where's the blah blah blah
Me: [just looks at Asshole blankly]
Asshole: Hey! I asked you were the blah blah is.
Me: [vaguely nods head in a non-committal direction] That way.
Asshole: Which way?
Me: [continuing to help current customer] Over by the blah blah's Sir.
Asshole: [walks away without saying a word of thanks]
Me: [tells another person off in her head].



ilovemyjobilovemyjobilovemyjob.

My daughter.

She's my silly nutter.
Imagination runs wild from playing w/her Barbie, to pretending a sack of baby red potatoes were her little babies (Yes. She did this. No joke. she even pretended to change their diapers).

Last night...I have a funny to tell you about last night.
Little me was in bed, snoozing away. I went in to check and make sure the room was warm enough, and she's an über light sleeper.

Only, she's not. Cause she will give the appearance of being awake. Open eyes. Conversing. Awake-like movements. And all.

So she appeared to be awake. Said I scared her, to which I apologized, and told her that I just wanted to make sure she was warm and cozy in her room. I sat on the edge of the bed, and she started petting my face. Like...like a puppy. Or a kitty. Idk. Then she started talking about feeling safe when my arms are in the sky. And that my hair was beautiful pieces of fuzzy somethings. LOL

Then her eyes glazed over, and that was that.

That daughter of mine. :)

Baaaad Mama.

I'm here. Wherever here is. Living in my moments of insanity, wrapped up in some beautiful visions of sun laden beaches.

Then I realize "Oh shit. I'm at work. What did that guy say? What did that customer need?"

dammit.

Well. On a plus side...boyfriend will be here in 51 short days. He'll be here for 89 even shorter days. Oh how the time will fly.

But that's okay. :) Because I'm going to wake up in his arms for 89 mornings in a ROW!!! wow. I'm pretty sure that I can't quite wrap my brain around this.

...


Today was my daughter's 5th birthday. I'm completely astounded by the beautiful little lady she is turning into. She is my squishy little stinkerbell and a diva to boot. :)


And I really need to go to bed. ha ha.

Friends. Real. Friends.

I have a few of them. Very few. But they are great.

Sometimes I forget about them. Cause they are down in Cali, or up in Washington.
Just...not a part of my every day life.
And I"ll try, and try and try to form friendships with people here, but holy shit. People are just ... odd. Not all of them, I'm sure. But the ones I have met, are SOOOOO exclusive. You'd think that I just walked into a specific zip code ending in 210 for craps sake. It's like "Uhhh muhh gawwwd. You're not from here. So I can't really become BFF'S with you."

First off. I don't want to marry any of you here. I don't want to swap spit, or blood, or any other bodily fluid. Really. I just...want....a friend.

Someone to go shopping with me, or grab margarita's at happy hour. Someone who will call me out of the blue and just say "Hey! Wanna hang??" Or someone who will not let me sit around on my ass when I'm depressed.

I want to have a group of friends to go bowling with, girls' night out. Whatever.

But no. People are so damned stuck up here.

Soooo sick.

I have been SO sick this week, and it royally sucks. I have no more sick leave at work. I have missed 2 days thus far. If I don't go to work tomorrow, I have to bring in a Dr's note. Which sucks. I have a really bad ear infection in my left ear. The beginning of an ear infection in my right ear. A viral sinus infection (?? never heard of those), annd I've been sporting a nifty fever averaging 101.5.

That said....good news alert! Good news alert!!

But I can't share it yet. I don't want to jinx it. So I will continue to burst at the seams and hope it comes to pass. :)


I'm a tease. :P I know.

I've been trying to create these purses, out of left over material, etc. However, my stupid bobbin keeps jamming up and creating a stupid bird's nest after 2 stitches. I've taken it apart, cleaned it, to no avail. I don't know what to do.


le sigh. I can't wait to tell you all what's going on! You all. haha. like I have Soooo many readers. I'm lame.

Träume ich?

Seriously, I have to wonder if I am dreaming. It's 2 1/2 months until my heart, which hasn't been whole since June...will be in one beautiful, glorious piece again.

2 1/2 months until my arms will no longer be empty, my smile will be permanently etched on my face.

2 1/2 months until my love is here.

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An addendum to a previous post...

So, a few posts ago, I mentioned that old cow hag at work. Well turns out ... she's been cool to me. Must have taken her meds more regularly. But, I forgot about the skeezed out trash that I also work with. One we'll call...um. Trash. that seems fitting.

She's a bitch and a half. Talks down to everyone, very demeaning, condescending. Just...unhappy. Really. Most days that I know I have to work with her I get so stressed out, so disgustingly stressed that I have, in fact, been known to cry. Not that that really says much about how horrible she is. I cry over everything.

Bad hair day? Yep. Shed tears over that.
Boyfriend says something sweet? Rivers. Out muh eyes.
Not able to open a jar? Who hasn't?
Ex husband being an ass? That's familiar territory.

The list goes on and on. But this one particular person has made me cry while ON the floor (meaning on the clock), in front of other employees. .... And customers.

Bitch.

Come to find out, it's not just me. There are *several* people who have filed complaints about her. And ... I know that Karma is a bitch... but it would be nice to not have to work with her anymore.

Juss sayin.

day 1

Today was my first FULL day of no sugar. And I did it. So proud of me!
I made healthy decisions, and yeah. Just really proud of me. :)

And...on to other things: My boyfriend.
he's great.
I talk about him a lot. That won't change. It may ebb & flow, but this blog will forever have something about him in it. Unless....actually I have a feeling that my blogs in general will become FAR more sporadic in just 2 1/2 months.

Anyone wanna guess why? :P

30 days.

But wait. Wha??? Your counter says 2 months and some odd days. Which is true. So true. so exciting. :) I have a friend who is CONVINCED we will get married while he's here. And While I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if that were to happen, truth is, we know it's not gonna happen that way. Hard as the goodbye will be, the hello EVERY MORNING FOR THREE WHOLE MONTHS will be SO wonderful!!!

So...30 days. It's another counter, of sorts.

See. I don't like how I look. Even when I half close my eyes, tilt my head jjjuuuuussst so, and turn the lights off. I still don't like it. Granted, I had 3 kids in 3 years. That's gonna do one helluva number on my body. So ... I'm working towards erasing those numbers. Reversing them, if you will.

A friend of mine, sweet sweet girl that she is, she and I are doing a 30 day challenge. It's going to be so damn hard, but SOOOOO worth it in the long run. They say (don't ask me who they are. I don't know. Just them. The powers that be. Those who are the theys of all articles, studies, and everything intelligent. Those theys)...They say that it only takes 21 days (I think that is what it was) for a new habit to be created. Or an old one to be broken.

I'm breaking my habit of eating sugar. Cookies, doughnuts, soda (pop to some), chocolate (lawd that will be the toughie). No more. Goodbye sugar. Hopefully someday I'll be able to meet you again. Not in a dark alley, hidden and surrounded by guilt and shame of my forbidden love affair with you. But proudly, openly. WITH RESTRAINT.

Someday.
Not today. Nor tomorrow. Or the next 30.

My friend and I ... we're gonna do this. For ourselves. For our kids. For our lovers. But mostly...for ourselves.

when all else fails....

When all else fails, go look at the moon. Look at each pinpoint of light in the night sky.

Those stars didn't happen by chance, and that moon, that majestic moon suspended above your head...aren't there because of an accident.

Everything happens for a reason. Each of us are pieces to a puzzle. This puzzle of life. So many times, we find ourselves caught up in the chaos, frenzied bodies attempting to make our pieces fit somewhere that they weren't designed for.

When life seems to take over, and stress is the main motivation in your life. Stress to make deadlines, and bake goodies, to make the bed, do the laundry, finish those chores. To get from points A through D, and not get speeding tickets.

When you become overtaxed and under rested -- that's when you need to go outside, look at the moon, and remember. It's a puzzle.

Stop trying to make yourself fit in somewhere that you're not intended. Allow the pieces to fit in all around you, and the disquiet will calm itself. The tension, will flee.

...kisses...

something I just read.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

S'true. Ya know?

I don't know.

85 days. Holy crap! We have less time until until he's here than the amount of time he'll be here. Until then, I'm killing time. Finding ways to make the minutes fly. The days. The weeks. The months.

And then I won't have to worry about pixelated skype pictures, shitty voice calls, poor connections. I won't have to go to bed sad, wake up lonely, none of it. He'll be here in 85 days. For 88 wonderful nights of sleeping in his arms, 89 wonderful days of hugs and kisses, 89 days of...not having to miss him.

Life..it's so good. ♥

I'm over today.

And it's only been open for an hour for me.

Yes, the day opens. When my eyes open.

I'm over it.

Can I please go back to bed?

I hate mondays.

game plan.

I want to go into business for myself. I want to go into business with my amazing boyfriend.

He's got MAD talent, and I'd like to think I've got a few skills.

Oh and he's a brainiac to boot. ;)

And so sexy.

And handsome.

And omg an amazing kisser.

Sorry that was a tangent.

Here's what I wanna do. Go into business, restoring old furniture, with a mod/trendy spin, mix it with some wild prints. Think: Black shabby chic meets the african safari. Granted, Idk if I'd even have people out there who would be interested. Maybe I'm just a freak. Well. We all know that answer to that one.

Anyawys, so I decided (I think) that I am going to finish up my cake decorating, get a job at a local bakery, go back to school for my BA in Travel & Tourism. Working at the bakery will get my foot in the door with vendors, and then when all is said and done? I'll start my own business, centered on the more punk/rock genre of weddings. I do live in Portland, after all.

I'll be my own person, with my own business. Doing what I love, for those that are in love. :)

Happy.
Ever.

After.

Crossroads. Passion. Creativity.

I'm at a crossroads. I'm really not happy with where my professional life is. Feelings of frustration invade me. Permeate me, even. Daily. I feel like I'm being silenced, or muted. Like my creativity is being stifled, and I mean...really? I'm a cashier. At a grocery store. Where would I put my creativity? On the belt, rolling along with the lettuce & wine? Or..how about on the back counter, in between the plastic and paper sacks? Because, I sure as hell am not allowed to SHOW my creativity in my hair and/or clothing. Yes, I can accessorize, and I do...but, it's not enough. I have creativity in my blood. I believe that everyone does, truth be told. Not everyone really expresses it in the traditional "creative outlets" that most people would think of when they hear those coined terms.

For instance, I think that computer programmers have an intense amount of creativity. I sure as hell cannot do what they do. It takes a VERY special person to be able to remember all those codes and what not.

But I digress. Letting my creativity run ahead of me.

I feel as if I, personally, have been attacked at work. Regarding my creativity. There is one person, in particular, that I know dislikes me. The feeling is greatly reciprocated, so there is no love lost. While I am well aware that it most likely is just my imagination, I really and truly can't help but wonder.

While I was in Germany I bleached my hair. Which...they would have let slide. Shoot. They have let it slide since. However, I also added hot pink into two separate strips, at the same time. I used to have pink in my hair, often, back before I worked at the store. It never lasted more than 2 days. So, imagine my surprise, when I couldn't get the pink out. After 3 weeks I was informed that if I did not get rid of the pink, I would be put on probation until the situation was remedied. I finally went at it with bleach. It did nothing, but turned parts of the surrounding hair white. That was hot. Nsm. I eventually had to dye them brown. Oh, and that cow that doesn't like me? She's the one that kept complaining about it. Really? Okay, you old hag. You'd really rock the pink hair.

There are people at work with purple in their black hair, and a blonde w/bright red, you get the picture.

Silencing moment #1.

I started wearing a black sweater to work. We, technically, are supposed to wear a white button down shirt underneath ANY solid colored sweater. Nobody does. Nobody. I, honestly, didn't even know that was an actual part of the dress code, until I was approached by a manager about my lack of button down, and asked them to show me the actual handbook w/said dress code. To this day, everyone else can wear a sweater w/out a white button down underneath. But not me.

Silencing moment #2.

Recently wore a red long sleeved v-neck shirt underneath my standard, company issued polo shirt (silencing moment #3 in and of itself, that dammed shirt). Was informed that I was not allowed to wear a red undershirt. It had to be a black, mock turtle neck that was, also, company issues. Fast forward over the next few weeks. I notice so many people wearing non company issued shirts. In all various colors. Just 2 days ago someone else was wearing a pink one, with a red heart on the chest.

Silencing moment #4 (technically lol)

And I don't take notice of these things, so that I can complain and get these other people in trouble. I take notice of these things, because it just seems unfair.

So my crossroads.

I want to do something different.

I want to do something that MAKES a difference.

I'm pretty sure that selling cans of coke, with bags of chips, along side of vegan food is not actually a part of the difference to which I am referring.

I want to be effective in lives.

I want to bring JOY into peoples lives, on a daily basis.

I want to help people create moments that will last a lifetime in their memory banks.

So what to do, what to do?

Do I pursue my dream of being an event coordinator? Go to school and get my BA in Hospitality, Travel & Tourism?

Or Do I finish my cake decorating courses and go with that?

Or, do I go on to cosmetology school?

Or.......do I just stick with the sensible, get my BA in Business Management, and continued to be suffocated?

what does that do for your life?

Heard this today on an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Yes. This is my vice. I love this show.

But at the same time? I'm insanely jealous. I mean, really. These people have had their lives basically ... idk. Handed to them. On a god freaking platter. Silver spoons have been feeding them since they were but babes.

So what does it take? For one to become what the dream of? One who has to actually WORK for success.

Hard work *duh*

Persistence

Positive attitude

and .... luck.

And lately, luck does not seem to be on my side.

But that's okay. I'll just go grab it and wring it's neck until it gives up a little something for me.

*besos*

it's the quiet times in love that count the most.

There's the grand fanfare that accompanies the beginning of every relationship. The constant sighs of contentedness, the furtive glances in each other's direction, the blushes and giggles, the holding of hands, the stolen kisses.

And then ... life kinda takes over. The stolen kisses become more sparse, the hand holding is replaced by kids, and wallets, phones, tv remotes...you know. Life. The furtive glances become exhausted stares, and the sighs of content become sighs of frustration.

yep.

life.

But...life goes on, and love will either grow or die. It's what you do with the love in those quiet times. Do you water it? Or ignore it? Do you nourish it with little, thoughtful things? Like...a little snuggle before getting out of bed? Or changing the toilet paper roll when it's empty? Or...what about making their favorite dinner? Surprising them with a single flower. Making the bed while he's in the shower? Fluffing the other's towel in the dryer while they bathe?

So many little, quiet ways of saying "I love you." Sometimes ... it's those quiet little whispers that make the impact, far deeper of an impact than the resounding crashes.

So go love.

Quietly.
Loudly.

And do it, without expect for return. Do it to show them. Not so they can show you.

xxxkissesxxx

zee count is on.

See that? -------->>

That is a countdown clock. It's approximate. But...by golly, I do believe I have made it into the double digits.

Wow. I really wonder if it's gonna happen. I absolutely cannot wait. Thrilled doesn't even begin to explain how happy I am.

He is amazing.

Together we are unstoppable.

What we have...it's beautiful. :)

I love him.

10/10/10

That day screams and oozes sex. The Roman Numerals are XXX. Sexy? Hell Yes. Seductive? mhhhmmmm. Scandalous? But..of course.

I wonder if I'll be able to partake of scandal that day? Doubtful, as the boyfriend will be back home.

Thank god for Skype.

.:le sigh:.

I know that someday...everything will fall into place.

Someday I'll look back and go "Ohhhhhhhhh....." as I see how it all fits together.

Until then I just sit here, and wonder "Why?"

The Grand Scheme of Things....

Prospective.

It's all about prospective.

I can sit here, whine, weep, mope and complain because "Waaah Poor me. My boyfriend is in Germany and poor pitiful me. I have a physically taxing job, because waaah poor me I just had surgery a few months ago." Boo. Freaking. Hoo.

Here's my yaylist:

• I have an amazing boyfriend. The best in all the world. and i know so because...well. He's around the world. ;)
• I have 3 great kids that I adore with all of my heart.
• I have a great job, keeps me on my toes, and my mind sharp.
• I have health insurance and it covered my surgery.
• I have amazing parents who have supported me and helped me through one of the darkest years of my life.
• I have my own home.
• I have a few friends. Close. Personal Great. Friends. I'd take a small handful of amazing friends over a crap-ton of flaky, fake so-called friends.
• Oh em gee...I'm on a laptop. Using my wifi. Watching my 32" HDTV.

It's a rough life, right?

Perspective. :)

Make it stop. Mayyykkkkeee it stoooopppp!!!

My brain. I've been faking this smart thing all day. It really needs to stop. That said, here I go.

Predestination.

How completely boring, and unimaginative is that? To believe that EVERYTHING is predestined? I don't know. I used to believe in it. And I still believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, but I do not believe that everything is predestined. I think that things change, courses redirect through choices and happenstance.

What is the point of living a life, no matter the length, if we're already predestined to do whatever it is we're supposed to do??

And ... just another thought. Does that mean that rapists, murderers, criminals of every sort are predestined to be that way? Or is it through events and choices that made them such?

And what about the amazingly beautiful handicapable? Was it predestination that decided that they would be frowned upon and ridiculed throughout their lives? How is THAT fair? I just...I don't see how God...ALL loving that He is...would predetermine someone to that kind of life. Truthfully, it hurts me, to the very core, to know that people think that God would do that. Oh they would never admit it, but acceptance and belief in predestination is just that.

And as a side bar, I truly believe that it's us "normal" people who are the ones that have the handicaps.

To simply love, it's a gift. One that many of us do not have.

Okay. Off my box. Just heard someone say something that made me think about this.

♪♫ kisses ♫♪

Fail.

Hm. Apparently I could be a ripe candidate for Failblog, seeing as how I cannot even get past 2 posts. Wow.

Epic.

Anyways...It has been a busy year thus far. Work, kids. Work, Kids. Kids. Work. Exercise. Run around like a chicken missing that vital cranial attachment. So on and so forth.

Ya know. Normal run of the mill stuff.

So I recently came across this makeup artist that I lurve. Her name is Kandee Johnson. Click on her name there, and you'll be transported to a far cooler, way more fun, and drastically more cheerful blog than mine.

But ... Kandee..she's really inspired me. Without knowing her true story, which I"ll most likely never know (I try to avoid that damn rumor mill)...All I know is that she's had a rough go. I've heard it said she has three kids. Maybe she's even said it on a blog or vlog somewhere. But I've yet to see it. Either way, she has inspired me. I actually put my face on almost every single day now. And I do my hair. ohhai...wot? yup. mhm. me. Taking time. For me.

.:legasp:.

I feel happier (most days), far more confidant then I ever have in my life, and I'm inspired. Yes. Inspired. As I said just a few sentences ago, she's had a rough go, and yet...she's living. She's not curled up into a ball, crying, wishing everything bad would just go away.

She's living. Shopping. Laughing. Loving. Having fun. wearing FUN clothes, and doing FUN stuff. I know her life is not all glamorous. I'm not completely delusional. But...she has fun. She's living her dream (so far as I can tell). and she is HAPPY. She seems to be the sweetest, most caring person.

And ... reading her blogs. Watching her videos on Youtube..it's all been so eye opening for me. She hasn't said anything specifically that's created this change. One that has, most likely, been a long time coming. But she has definitely helped push it along. Without even knowing it. yeah, I could leave a comment about it on her blog, or her FB...but she gets so many. I truly doubt she would even see the affect that she has had in my life.

I wish her .... a hundred fold...the help that she has given to me. And so many other women in this world. She really has no clue how much she is doing in this minuscule little planet, in the grand scheme of things.

Kudos, Kandee. Job well done. :)

And you look great doing it.