A massive storm

I feel like I can almost understand the fear, panic, and sheer terror that one might feel as they prepare for a Category 4 Hurricane. How the New Orleans residents might have felt as they awaited the landfall of Katrina.

There is this ominous feeling as I wake every single day, floating closer and closer to the impending disaster that is his leaving. In a 2 weeks and some odd days, he will have to turn away from me, walk through doors that I will be restricted from, and away from me. He'll board the plane, and leave me in the jet wake. Tears will be streaming down my face, sobs will be choking my throat.

How do I know this? Because we did this, only in reverse, just a year ago. The utter desolation that filled my soul then was suffocating at best, after only 2 weeks together.

Now, we have to face being torn apart after 3 wonderful, amazing, dream-like, heavenly months together.

Part of me is disillusioned. How can the government possibly deem this okay? To force him to leave me? We are meant for one another. Truly. Soul mates. Which is a term that I used to scoff at. But that's what he is. He is my soul mate, my rock. He makes me believe in love, and everything good. His love helps me know that the world is not full of evil.

Another part of me feels hopeless. Long distance relationships are so very expensive. Especially when they are across 2 continents. There are only a few ways for us to communicate, and while I realize that not that long ago people had even fewer means of communication, that does nothing for me now. That was not my time, nor was it in my era. This is the generation that I am a part of, this is what I know. So yes, those from times before had it much harder, but when it's all you know.....that's all you know.

So, right now, I'm sullen. I'm somber. I'm frightened. I'm terrified. I'm panicked. I'm going to be alone. Totally alone. And I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I know I will survive. I will prevail. I will become so much stronger.

But right now? Right now, all I want to do is curl into a ball, and cry. And I want him to hold me.

A dream

I was in this weird state of half awake, half asleep on my bed today. I had this weird dream of sorts. It was full of meaning.

I was Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember much. Normally my dreams are vivid. Full of color, rich in smells, lots of little details. This was different. I was Alice. I remember feeling so lost, running around with no particular destination in mind. Confused. Scared. Then there was this voice. A soothing, calming voice. Actually it vaguely reminded me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings. She said to me "Though you feel lost, the road you are on is the intended road. There is a purpose." I felt so content as the musical words floated around my head. Oh yes. I could see the words. The only words spoken throughout the entire dream were that of the woman.


I remember clocks. Old fashioned hand clocks. And the hands were all flailing about in a cacophony of ticks and tocks, dinging and donging ringing throughout the...wherever I was. And that angelic voice called out to me, the words dancing in front of my eyes "Though you feel as if you're always running out of time, though you feel as if you're life is out of control right now....There is a purpose. You are on the right path.


Images floated by of the mad hatter and his motley crew, but...they weren't just characters from a movie that I've seen. They were dear to my heart, and resembled some of my closest friends in ways that I can't describe. The voice whispered the words much like a figurehead, leading the way before me "Though you feel alone often, and though your friends may not always be nearby, they are always thinking of you. Loving you. This is the right path."


Suddenly I was falling. Into the darkest of dark holes. I felt like I was falling upwards, but all things indicated that I was, indeed, falling downwards. The images I'd seen through out the dream were zipping past me. There was no noise, there was no fear. I was just floating. Falling. And the voice felt like a cushion around my heart, as she said "You feel lost. Confused. Abandoned. Afraid. Alone. But the road you are on is the right one. You are going to come out stronger, and more sure of yourself, your life and your decisions. Continue on the way you are."


At this point I woke up to my boyfriend telling me that I was mumbling to him about bears and bees.

It was a really exhilarating dream for me, as I have been doubting myself so much as of late. I wanted to share this with anyone who wanted to read. <3

And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so loud...

Last night was weird. Tobi & I were fighting. More like...I was fighting with him. He just rolled his eyes and walked away. I hate the heat. DESPISE the heat. I especially hate being touched in the heat. And he kept trying to cuddle with me, so I had a bitch fest.

I'm really not sure how any of my anger made sense last night. But that's just it. The heat makes me do things in an insane and irrational manner. Things that I would normally do at the drop of a hat (hello? Cuddling! I LOVE cuddling. I only get 1 more month of cuddling. And I went ape-shit cause he kept wanting to cuddle. What the hell is this nonsense?!) I love to be touched. Well. Normally I love being touched. Last night I would have made the heavens rain fire every time I was touched.

See? Insane. Irrational.


So, we're laying in bed, and oh yeah. I've been REALLY itchy the last couple of days. Yes, Bitchy, but I mean truly ITCHY. Like I feel like I've been on Vicodin or some other drug of awesomeness, but I haven't.

So Last night we were laying in bed, Tobi afraid to touch me out of fear of me ripping his head off. Me seething and trying to fall asleep, all the while scratching at my back like a maniac on speed. *Somehow* we started talking about the laundry (I'm glossing over the somehow. It was truly just another horrible story of my insanity gone wild). So we're laying there, and he tells me how he had done the laundry, which I had noticed (and yes I did thank him. I'm not a total psycho), and I had somehow mentioned that I use the clear liquid and the blue liquid. He goes "What clear liquid?" The following conversation ensued:


Me: What exactly do you use when you wash the laundry?
T: The blue stuff.
Me: What do you put the blue stuff in?
T: In the blue ball.
Me: How much do you put in?
T: I fill it up all the way.
Me: [while stifling a groan] Um...You're only supposed to fill it up to the line.
T: What line?
Me: The one that's about 1/4 of the way up.
T: Oh. Oops. Well, the blue thing is empty now.
Me: Awesome. And how much clear liquid do you use?
T: What clear liquid?
Me: The actual soap, to wash the laundry?
T: What's the blue stuff then??
Me: Liquid Fabric Softener. It makes the clothes softer. Fluffier.
T: Oh. Well. um. It got washed in fabric softener and water then.
Me: And that would be why I'm itching.

At this point it's 2 in the a.m. We're both fully aware of the fact that the kids will most likely be waking up in about 3 hours (The did sleep in until 8:30 today, for the FIRST TIME EVER!!!), we're both deliriously exhausted and just start to laugh.

Deep. Belly. Laugh.
Side splitting, can't stop, going to piss myself....laughing.


And he still loves me.
Even though I am crazy bitch woman in the heat.


Luckily I'm not IN heat, right?